My Phone Broke. Fuck My Phone.

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I was running along the West Side Highway the other day when my phone rang.

I yanked it from my pocket and it fell on the concrete. I picked it up and the screen was broken.

“I’ll call you back,” I barked. Then I shoved the phone back in my pocket and continued running.

Thirty minutes later, through the broken glass, I dialed my friend.

“When you called, my phone broke” I said.

“Wow, that’s crazy,” she replied. “What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know. I think I’m going to get rid of my phone. In fact, I’m kind of happy it broke.”

“You sound crazy,” she said.

“No, I’m serious. I waste so much time on my phone, looking at shit that is not even important. It’s one thing to produce this stuff, it’s another to consume it.”

“I think you’re overreacting.”

She was right, I was. I tend to overreact. I’m a little bit of a character, you see.

“Here is what I’m thinking,” I continued. “I’m going to do one of three things. I’m going to either downgrade to a really cheap smartphone. I’m going to get a flip phone. Or, I’m going to get rid of the phone altogether.”

“Whoa, wait. Rewind. Did you just say flip phone?”

“Yeah, a flip phone. Old school. Smartphones are out. Walking around with a computer in your pocket — that’s not cool. That’s slavery. I don’t want to be a slave. Not having a phone is freedom.”

“You’re being dramatic.”

“No, really though. Not having a phone is the new having a phone. Everyone has a phone. You got an iPhone? Congrats, you’re like every other person on earth. Wanna think different? Throw that shit in the trash.”

“Wait though, I have to tell you something,” she said.


“I have good news.”

“Tell me.”

“I got staffed on a TV show — I start writing in a few weeks.”

“Holy shit.”

“Amazing, right?”

“That’s life-changing. How the hell did you find out?”

“Oh, that’s easy — THEY CALLED ME ON THE PHONE!!”

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Wrote for the New York Times, New York Magazine, Esquire, Rolling Stone, Vice, Fader, Vibe, XXL, MTV News, many other places.

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