BREAKING: Person Upset About Something on the Internet

Man spotted typing furiously into website comment box right now

“They just have a different point of view,” says a source close to the person, who acknowledged that they were eating organic kale chips and sipping home-brewed craft beer minutes before they saw the news pop up in the timelines of their affluent friends Facebook profiles. “People kept sharing the link, and their opinions were just so wrong. Something had to be done.”

As for what actually occurred that got a rise out of the person— a male, said to be in his early 30's, who meticulously describes his occupation as artist— nobody is quite sure. Whatever it is, it’s definitely ‘problematic.’

Eyewitnesses say it could be the racial backlash-to-the-backlash surrounding footballer player Richard Sherman’s post-game speech. It could be the anti-feminist feminism of last night’s episode of “Girls.” It could be why Macklemore’s straight white male privilege should have prevented him from making a pro-gay rights rap song that earned him many Grammy Awards and makes ordinary people happy. It could just be the sad reality that someone out there actually enjoys something.

“The thing is, these are topics that nobody is talking about,” says Kale Jackson, who attended a prestigious Northeastern liberal arts college with the man in the early 2000's, and has DJ’d with him off and on since then. “That’s why he’s doing this— writing on the Internet— because the world really needs his truly original and refreshing point of view. I mean, nobody has ever done this sort of thing before. It takes real courage to put your opinion on the Internet.”

At press time, the man had reportedly sourced Wikipedia for its really accurate and well-vetted information, then spent 10 long minutes scanning various blogs, Twitter feeds and Facebook profiles to assess the popular line of thinking, so that he might take the opposite stance. He was then spotted spending at least 5 minutes crafting his finely-tuned 700 word-essay in a Google document before copying and pasting it into the comment box.

“It doesn’t matter if nobody agrees with him, or that what he has to say on the matter defies all logic, reasoning and scientific fact,” Jackson says. “He’s going to keep at it. He’ll post to Twitter, Facebook and Tumblr, making sure that his voice is heard. The guy is relentless and will put in any hard-earned effort he has to in order to spread the truth.”

Neighbors say they often spy the man sitting in his underwear well into the late afternoon, sipping fair-trade coffee and pounding away at the keyboard on his Macbook Air. Informed that they were living next to an ordinary useless human filled with many opinions, yet zero factual evidence to support them, they were highly impressed.

“We didn’t know that we had a person with an opinion living on our block,” says one neighbor, who declined to give his name. “In this day and age? That’s just so exciting. The idea of them having their own thoughts, taking the time to write them down and spread them carefully and responsibly throughout the free world by way of the Internet— that’s so revolutionary. Maybe one day, if things pan out, we’ll be able to do the same. A guy can dream, right?”

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Wrote for the New York Times, New York Magazine, Esquire, Rolling Stone, Vice, Fader, Vibe, XXL, MTV News, many other places.

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