An Ode to Chocolate Milk

Lately, I have become obsessed with chocolate milk.

Ughh, did I really just say obsessed? I hate when people do that. So fake.

What I really meant to say was: I’ve been drinking a lot of chocolate milk. I really like it. I like it so much that I keep drinking it. Enough of it to give me a stomach ache. I mean, holy shit — how did anyone think of something so good?

When I think of all the great things people have invented, what comes to mind isn’t highfalutin stuff like driverless cars, but really obvious things. Like chocolate milk. Or the chocolate-covered pretzel, for that matter.

But back to the chocolate milk. I mean, can someone explain where it came from? Because I don’t really know. Like, milk is pretty amazing on its own. Whether it’s fat-free skim milk or whole milk or almond milk or cashew milk, milk is milk — milk is amazing. It’s like water, but better.

Then you add to it the mother of all flavors, chocolate, and it becomes the monster snack, the most perfect drink ever invented. I think it might actually be better than Coke, or heck, Diet Coke. Obviously taking it to the next level is something like a root beer float, which is the best of both worlds.

And yet chocolate milk on its own has to be the simplest, purest, best thing one can possibly drink. It’s noticeably more tasty than regular milk — I mean, it’s chocolate for god’s sake — and it’s also nutritious. It gives you the same 9 nutrients that are in regular milk, with a little more sugar, most of which naturally occurs in the milk itself.

Now, I wouldn’t really recommend drinking a gallon of milk — or anything for that matter — but a glass or two of chocolate milk, now that really hits the spot. Certainly one of the most overlooked beverages out there, probably because it’s target audience is school kids. And yet I don’t think people want kids to drink chocolate milk in schools anymore.

Well, to hell with that shit. I will gladly take all those unused little cartons.

Cheers to chocolate milk!

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Wrote for the New York Times, New York Magazine, Esquire, Rolling Stone, Vice, Fader, Vibe, XXL, MTV News, many other places.

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